Welcome To My World

Ever since I was young I always know that there was something different about me… I was always more extra, more dramatic, more spontaneous, more free. I was mostly a person who wanted to explore and really go out there to figure out what the world is like. I was more like a boy too.

Growing up I dressed like a boy and I was considered a tomboy, because at that time I never really understood what was really going on. I just knew that I loved wearing boy clothes. I loved my sneakers, my baggy shirts, my short hairstyles with a fine trim on the side and I loved hanging around boys. I didn’t hang around boys because I found them cute. No, I hung around the boys because I saw myself as one of the them. However, unfortunately the world did not see it the way I did.

In grade 3 I had a boyfriend (David), which was kind of cute and adorable at the time. I just wasn’t really feeling the ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ thing much. It was what we were taught – that a girl must be with a boy and a boy must be with a girl and so I had a little boy. That didn’t last long because it didn’t make sense to me. David, to me, was my friend. I then developed a crush for a teacher of mine who was a woman and at that time no one understood what is going on. I too didn’t understand what was going on. I just found my teacher to be very pleasing and I wanted to be around her all the time. She found it cute and I felt all fuzzy inside.

It’s funny how one doesn’t really understand these feelings until they reach adulthood. These feelings were always there. These feelings were there until I was at a point where I knew what having a boyfriend is and what having a girlfriend meant.

In grade 5 I had moved back to Johannesburg to stay with my dad and that’s when I went to boarding school. Mama was between Johannesburg and overseas, dad was busy and my live-in situation at home wasn’t too ideal (home as in my grandmother’s house), so boarding school was the only option for me. There’s something very interesting that happened during that time in boarding school that aided in what I would call Phase One of self-discovery.

In grade 6 I remember it was time to go to the Ball and I had to have a ‘date’, so I remember most girls around me insisting that I had to get a boyfriend. In grade 7 I was not interested in any of the boys but I remember having this massive crush on a girl. I will never forget her name. We used to buy roses to give away at the Valentines ball and I gave my rose to her. She found it cute and accepted my rose and that was it.

It wasn’t confusing at all for me. It felt normal. It was never like why don’t you like boys? Why do you like girls? I didn’t know what it was at the time. For me it was a genuine feeling.

I knew I had these feelings, but I didn’t know what they were until some girls at school mocked me and kept calling me a lesbian. I didn’t understand them, so I researched what a lesbian was and learned that a lesbian is a female who is attracted to other females. It still didn’t make sense then because then it was a topic that was taboo. Like I didn’t belong. I was very active in school and played every sport I could think of, until I found one I was very good at, which was swimming. The mockery continued but I still didn’t understand what it all meant. All I knew was that this is not how I was meant to be treated or how people should be behaving around me. Every time we went for swimming lessons, we would be assigned lockers in the change rooms so that we could get ready for our lesson. As girls we all got undressed, took showers and got dressed in the same room. The girls started to feel uncomfortable around me as it had been going around the school that I am a lesbian. They made it clear that they did not want to get undressed in front of me and that I made them feel uncomfortable. I started to wait until everyone was done then I would go in and get ready alone. Teachers were informed, and I was told not to bother the girls, even though I did nothing.

I didn’t realise that this experience would continue throughout my life. I was 14 years old when I travelled overseas to go to stay with my mum in Kuwait. The first thing I was told by my mum, seeing that she knew I was lesbian, was that I needed to braid my hair and dress more like a girl because it was illegal to be gay in Kuwait. She did not want me to get caught as I would have been sent back home.

I braided my hair, wore new clothes and looked like someone else as I was forced to hide my sexuality.

I couldn’t hide myself for too long because by the end of the term people in my school already knew that I was lesbian, as I just couldn’t keep up the act. The hair or the clothes didn’t change who I was. It didn’t change my sexuality. It just gave me a look that society wanted me to have.

When I was 17, I moved back home to South Africa and I attended the National School of the Arts. There I felt free. There I felt that I was in a place where I always wanted to be. I remember thinking “I am now in art school. It’s different, a new environment and I am enjoying being myself with no one judging me, no one telling me how to look and no one controlling who I am.” Fattz was born.

Growing up I always knew what I wanted to do but I always felt as though the environment I lived in never allowed for me to grab the opportunities that I was looking for. Growing up in Limpopo always felt like everything else was far away, especially because I wanted to get into the arts and entertainment industry. I remember watching YoTV and thinking I wanted to be a presenter on the show. Travelling hours for an audition wasn’t something that my parents were keen on, however I always knew that one day I would end up in the entertainment industry.

From a young age I took a keen interest in the arts. I started where I had access, which was dramatic arts. It wasn’t offered at the school I attended, but there was a summer programme that I followed with the British International Academy of the Arts (BIAA) while residing and studying in Kuwait. I craved for more, so after completing grade 10, I moved back home to South Africa where could study acting at a higher level. I then continued with it in my secondary institution studies. I went to the National School of the Arts in Johannesburg during grades 11 and 12, where I majored in drama. After completing matric I attended AFDA, a film institution, and continued with my acting studies. This is where I fell in love with the technical aspects of it all. I dropped acting when I was introduced to film and broadcasting. I then majored in television directing and technical. During my 3-year degree, I worked and volunteered in productions to learn more about my passion. I volunteered at live shows as a camera operator, moved up to stage manager and then found myself shadowing the director. This is when I really fell in love with directing, camera work and lighting. After completing my 3-year degree I went on to work and train at a production and broadcast company, and this was after I had an opportunity to work in the music industry where I was managing a jazz club. This taught me pre-production (producing) and operations / logistics. It was in the television broadcast company that I started my professional work in broadcast. While I was there, I trained as a television director and director of photography (DOP), working and volunteering for different productions under the company to achieve my own personal growth.

I grew up in a town called Polokwane, in a township called Seshego. I always knew my mama to be a single parent however my dad was also present. Although we did not live together, we always visited each other. For a long time, I lived in a house with just my mum and my brother. This was in between living with my paternal grandmother and six cousins. My older brother who is about four years older than I am, is an absolute sweetheart and I love him dearly. He always told me that there’s no one in this world who loves me more than he and my mama do, so I should always remember who my family is. My dad’s presence was always greatly felt. Financially, emotionally and physically he was always there so I never missed him. He was a good dad!! My grandmother always said that there’s no one that my dad spoke to more because there was never a day that passed with me not speaking to my dad, whether on the phone, school visits or at home. He was always there.

My life was a bit like a yo-yo because I was moving up and down, between two cities. My mum had moved to Johannesburg and my father was in Limpopo. For the first few years of my primary schooling I was in Limpopo. Then for another two years I moved to Johannesburg. Somewhere in between all of this I moved to Kuwait to stay with my mom and study, then returned to Limpopo before finally going back to Johannesburg.

The way people perceive my life now, one would think I was born into a wealthy family and that’s only due to the way I live my life now. I take care of myself and it’s the best thing ever. My parents did their best to make sure that my siblings and I were taken care of.

I am finally in Johannesburg and I am finally on the right path of where I always wanted to be. The journey to being someone great in the entertainment industry one day. I studied drama at the National School of the arts and this was after I went to the British International Academy of the arts in Kuwait where I was doing extra classes in acting and drama.

I fell in love with acting and drama when I was very young. I was always a performer and the odd one out at home. They loved it. I loved it.

High school went by so fast, so beautifully and it was the best times of my life. To get into the National School of the Arts one had to audition for the discipline that they wanted to be in because they offered music, art, drama and dance. I got the opportunity to audition for drama in Grade 11. It went very well, and I was accepted into the National School of the Arts to study drama. I studied subjects like Maths, Sciences, History etc, but drama was my main course of route.

In grade 11, my first year at NSA, I got the opportunity to be cast in the school’s main production Sarafina (a South African musical written by Mbongeni Ngema, a well-known play writer and musician). I was then nominated for an Oscar for best actress in my year. I didn’t win but the nomination gave me something hope, it gave me faith and assurance that I am where I’m supposed to be. This was me being validated and everything I have ever wished for was coming true.

I met a group of friends back then who are still are very good friends of mine. This group of friends are boys. Once again, I found myself hanging with boys and being the only girl around. These guys accepted me. They made me feel like I was one of the boys. It was organic. My sexuality was never questioned or ridiculed during my time there. The school embraced it and the environment allowed me to explore who I was. It was there that I met more people like me. People of the LGBTQI+ community (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer plus). Everything was so different and exciting! I felt as though I was a student in High School Musical movie. My experience at NSA was magical. I still sing the school anthem loud in the shower. A big shout out to The National School of the Arts.

I matriculated in due time with a Bachelor’s degree and I was ready to go to university. At first Wits School of Art was an option, but my mom found out about AFDA and she told me about it. I asked my dad to drive me to the university to check it out. There I learnt that AFDA was a television and film school, with a lot of industry professionals as our lecturers and with a lot of practical work as an introduction to the entertainment industry as we know it. I immediately fell in love and I enrolled to start my first year in 2012. I further studied television and stage acting, music business and production, film and television editing and costume make-up and styling. By that time, I was at the end of the first year and in preparation of second year where I had to now choose a discipline that I was going to major in. While assisting third year students, I walked into one of the television studios on campus. I immediately fell in love with the vibe. The entire aesthetic had me feeling like I’ve made it in life. I was taken. Since I did not study television at first, I requested to switch one of my disciplines to television production. I knew the moment I walked in that I wanted to be there. They agreed, and I went into studying television directing, writing and technical. I was hands on. The cameras, the studio lights rig, the control room and just the entire technical aspect of it all. In my first year we won an award for best production. In my third year, I directed a telenovela production which won an award for best technical team. I was on fire. When I graduated, the owner of a well-known jazz venue in Johannesburg, who was also my music business lecturer, approached me to be his venue manager. Me, a young 19-year old, managing the biggest Jazz club in Johannesburg! This was my entry into the entertainment industry. A fantastic opportunity and introduction into the music industry. Something so different and an industry I never thought I’d ever be in.

Did I have any challenges? Yes! That was the first time in a professional working environment where I started to face discrimination. Whether it be that I’m a woman or the fact that I was young, or my sexuality played a role. I was in a management position and there were colleagues who could not understand that. They tried to make work difficult for me, but I stood strong and blocked it out as much as I could. I would cry at home, to my partner. It was difficult, but I knew the end goal!

During my time there, I got to meet the biggest names in the South African music industry. Legends, with most of whom I have formed beautiful relationships. I’ll forever be grateful for such encounters. I event managed Johnny Clegg Unplugged session at Wits, stage managed festivals such as Joy of Jazz, Art Alive, Fête De La Musique and Maftown Heights. There I was, 19, young, black and owning the space I was in. That opportunity came up before I graduated. I knew there was greatness born in me. What could stop me now?

After a year of working at the Jazz club, I got an opportunity to work in the television industry. Me, a young 19-year old, managing the biggest Jazz club in Johannesburg! This was my entry into the entertainment industry.

I joined a production house that put me back onto the floor and had me operate a camera. Remember, when I was at varsity I was studying television production, but I immediately went into the music industry when I started working. I was going back to what I had studied at university. The one thing that I fell in love with. When I got there, I did not know anything about the professional side of the television industry. I had to learn everything from the beginning. When I walked into the studio, I realised that there was another girl in the team, which was okay. It was alright. I was just amazed and taken by all the equipment, the lights and the set. Wow! This is a professional Television Studio and set!

It wasn’t long till I excelled and signed a year contract. The other girl didn’t make it which then put me as the only woman amongst men once more. We all hear that some industries are maledominated however we don’t fully understand until we are in that position. I was in that position. I was tested and tried.

Being the only woman on the technical team, everyone around you already expects you to fail. The cameras are heavy, you work long hours and sometimes you get to deal with hard labour. All the things women were supposedly unable to achieve. One could say I was set up for failure.

Don’t get me wrong, the treatment from some of the men I worked with was unspoken of. The misogynistic comments and ignorant questions that kept coming my way. It was an entire fight. A fight I didn’t expect but experienced. It was a reality.

When the National Lottery broadcasters contacted me to join their technical team, I was happy. Here another great validation that I’m working towards something. Everyone who worked at that company at the time knew that working for the National lottery broadcaster was where you wanted to be. It meant that you were good and focused and worthy to work on the most protected sets. I was the first female in the technical floor team. I surpassed all those comments and discrimination talks of me not being focused, not serious and goal driven. All the miscellaneous acts towards me and the depression that it led me to sometimes. I overcame it all.

The art of film making evolves all the time. One can never learn enough. Reaching the ceiling is unacceptable as it makes one redundant. As people grow and change, the entertainment industry should always be two steps ahead and right now South Africa’s industry needs to step up and move.

The vision I have is to develop and skill myself in different forms of film making to be able to bring it all together and create a masterpiece and to be able to evolve with the industry and stay equally relevant as it moves and changes. Who would want to stay behind? For some time, I have been introduced to television broadcast, Music Television and the Music industry, and I have been working with formats that work with live broadcast and Television Production. I also have a dire need to excel in the entertainment industry. There is so much I want to learn and introduce to the industry. To produce ground breaking content, one needs to go the extra mile. As an aspiring Global Female Director, I want to be Miss Universe and dominate in my industry and use the platform to empower more young women out there to jump, learn, fall, rise and keep dreaming! for me? To gain more knowledge in the spectrum of the film and broadcasting.

I’ve worked in the sports industry and I am excited to be part of the SuperSport South Africa’s first all-female television crew, who will be broadcasting the Netball World Cup next year in Cape Town!!

I also run my own company. A production company I believe will be the next Paramount Pictures / Universal or Sony in Africa. Mish Media will be a name to be remembered. An entire new blueprint to the entertainment industry where equality will be our priority. Every person despite their race, gender and sexuality will be embraced. Every talent and skill invested in and every story told!

IN MY EYES, I HAVE MADE IT!