Turning Pain into Purpose

I battled with infertility for several years and tried everything, from complementary therapies to in-vitro fertilization. This was a huge financial and physical sacrifice for us and involved enduring drugs, injections and surgery. I have had multiple miscarriages and suffered extreme heartache with despair, disappointment and bitterness being constant companions, but in the process discovered hope, faith and courage like never before. After remaining silent initially, I began to share openly and use my experiences to help other women who find themselves in a similar situation.

It was a roller coaster ride of emotions and at first I felt like I’d failed as a woman when I wasn’t able to conceive and this was only highlighted when all my friends fell pregnant. I was completely focused on the one thing I couldn’t have, a baby of my own, and slowly lost sight of all the other blessings in my life. After years of frustration and being consumed by utter despair, I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere. Miscarriages left me broken inside and eventually I realized I had to stop letting my happiness be smothered by my situation.

During this particularly painful time, to help me climb out of the deep pit, I set myself a new challenge every year and took on activities that forced me out of my comfort zone (I still do this!) I joined our local theatre club and danced in a theatre production one year, signed on to be an extra in Bollywood movies, compiled a self-published book and undertook many other adventures. I usually defaulted to the cultural activities and then decided to do a complete change and look towards the sporting world for my next challenge.

I was never a natural athlete growing up, so this was completely out of character, but from a place of pain and despair, I discovered a love for running that I never knew I had. It became more than a hobby for me. Running became a journey to a state of health and fulfilment and improved my emotional well-being too. It introduced me to a lifestyle and amazing community of people, which helped me stay motivated, positive and excited about life as I dealt with the pain of difficult circumstances. I set a goal to run the Comrades Marathon and did two consecutive runs, earning my back-to-back medal….

I had grown up watching the Comrades, and the runners ran through our neighbourhood, so I have many fond memories standing outside in the early hours of the morning, in my gown and slippers, cheering for the incredible athletes taking on the ultimate human race. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that one day, I would be one of them.

I knew for me to finish the Comrades was a miracle, and my debut race saw me crossing the finish line with just 13 minutes to spare. It was a challenge like no other. Not only on the day itself, but the months of training and sacrifice beforehand, to prepare physically and mentally for the 12 hour journey that lay ahead of me.

It takes consistency, commitment and patience. You have to believe you can run that distance, a distance you once thought was impossible.

But then you grow into the person who can do it! It was not only the distance I had to conquer, but myself. I learnt how to keep the faith through the lows that came during this season. The same applies in life; if we don’t give up, eventually the finish line will come.

It is never easy to dig deep and it took everything I had to keep going, when my body was aching and my spirit sinking with despair. You have to find comfort in being uncomfortable! Why was I running from Pietermaritzburg to Durban, when I could drive? (A sense of humour is vital in life too!) But I did it! One foot in front of the other. Always moving forward and not stopping. I told myself that every kilometre is a gift and keeping a heart of gratitude is something that always sees me through life’s struggles, even today.

A long run teaches you how to handle suffering. We are stronger than we realise, and the Comrades has taught me, many times over, that life lessons from the past all serve as stepping stones, and we grow in our grit, determination and strength when we look back and realise we have made it through many of our worst days, and we are still here! My running stamina came, in part from past hardships that I had overcome, and in turn, I can apply many lessons from hours on the road, to my life today. I also learnt the importance of community and the comfort of knowing you are never alone. The encouragement from the spectators on the side of the road, always helped carry me through when I was struggling, and needed the extra push to not give up. Currently, my husband and I belong to a running club, Fourways Road Runners and a social running group, JP Runners, and both provide us with friendships, fun and accountability, which are all vital when you set big goals like this.

After Comrades I wanted to set another fitness goal and trained towards my first bodybuilding competition, a local novice show, where I competed in the Fitness Bikini Division. This was another huge step of courage for shy me! It was meant to be a once-off adventure, but I fell in love with this sport too, and entered several more shows during that year. I found that through sport I was able to manage my heartache and use my story to inspire others, as it exposed me to people I would otherwise have never met. One of the best parts about doing all these activities is the friends I have made along the way.

I kept up with both the running and bodybuilding and after four years, I earned my provincial colours and qualified to compete at the National Championships.

I have since completed six Comrades Marathons & explored trail running too.

The adventures continued and I was excited to see what the future held. Little did I know at the time, my health would soon take a complete turn and with it, my dreams once again, would be shattered.

It is a long story, perhaps for another day, but I became critically ill, with internal bleeding and ulcers, eventually diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, which in turn, depleted my body from head to toe. My frail state and crumbling bones have limited my ability to be the athlete I once was, but I am trusting the athlete I will now become, will still be someone who can use her story to bring hope and encouragement to others. Although this is not what I dreamt of, it’s a journey that is allowing me to grow in ways I might not otherwise have known and I embrace every part of the process (but with lots of wobbles and tears between too!)

My body may have failed me in many ways during my life, but I make a daily effort to be grateful and realise how there is so much I am still capable of. There is magic is misery, you have to find it! Of course, I am human and have seasons when I don’t know how to cope and battle to keep my smile. But that is okay. I do my best, one day at a time, and find great joy in helping others and now share my story openly to give others the courage to do the same. It is also a great way of creating community, and I love meeting new people through various local causes, where we come together to support one another and carry the burdens that life may bring. One of the best ways to overcome self-pity, is to get your mind off yourself by helping others, we all need each other.

Pain is universal and no matter what the situation, we can all relate to having to overcome obstacles in life and it helps to know you are not alone. It hurts the most when you have to start pretending it doesn’t. So, let’s be real and authentic! No matter what the source, pain is something we all experience and can relate to.

My infertility and autoimmune journeys have brought so much heartache, but also so much purpose. Your pain can be someone else’s gain. Your story their survival guide. Nothing is wasted. It is incredible that things I have battled with the most in my life are always at the heart of the story God continues to write through me.

I wouldn’t have chosen a lot of what I have gone through, but without it, I wouldn’t be living the life God has for me. It is a journey that is still under construction. I have to make a daily decision to choose joy. Choose to be better not bitter. Choose to not dwell in pity and instead be grateful and look on the bright side of life.

I want to encourage others that even if things don’t always end up the way you hoped they would, you can still choose to enjoy your life and make the most of new experiences.

“At that crossroads, when one path leads to peace and the other to bitterness, only you can make that choice.”