Turning a full stop into a comma

Can it be another way?

After the horrific and sudden loss of my husband in an armed home invasion in Johannesburg, South Africa, in late 2017, this question and the answers it has revealed, became a driving force in my life and work.

The attack in the early hours of the morning took just six minutes from the time the intruders entered our home to the time they left. Life was divided into two parts, before this and after this, and nothing would ever be the same again. Every part of my life had blown up and was unrecognisable. I felt completely at sea, violated, and out of control.

In addition to losing Simon after my 50th birthday and our 26th wedding anniversary, we lost our home of 23 years too. My youngest son, Matthew, who was 18 at the time, and writing matric final exams, faced the criminals and could never sleep in our home again.

In the first six months there was so much shock, trauma and disbelief that there were times when I felt as if I was losing my mind. I barely knew what day of the week it was, let alone my name. I lost my ability to concentrate. My brain processing power was extremely low. I suffered from serious short term memory loss amongst many other physical, mental and emotional symptoms.

As a high performing businesswoman who is in front of cameras, microphones and on the stage, this was incredibly debilitating and frightening. I felt like I was wading through mud and molasses. Trauma, grief and loss invades every part of you, 24/7. We walked through what I call the Shadowlands for a full two years before I felt I could breathe again, before the tremor left my hands, before I stopped crying at the drop of a hat.

I stepped back into the world of work two months after Simon died. I was not left a wealthy widow, and someone had to feed the children. My first financial goal was to double my income to replace my husband’s salary. It was hard, but it was also a lifeline. My work was the only part of my life that was recognisable.

THREE VERSIONS OF THE SAME TRAUMA

Both my sons and I, Ryan (22) and Matthew (18) at the time of our attack, had three different versions of the same trauma. It made reconnecting with each other extremely complex and difficult and it has taken nearly six years for us to get back onto the same page again. It has been heartbreaking to watch their suffering at the hands of crime.

When one human being takes the life of another, it is very different to someone having a sudden heart attack. My husband didn’t die, he was murdered.

YOU CAN GROW FROM ANYTHING

I have always believed that you can grow from anything that happens in your life, good or bad, expected or unexpected. Life doesn’t unfold in a straight line, not for you, not for me, not for anyone. Change is our constant bedfellow personally and professionally. Change, disruption, selfleadership and leadership of others, have become a large focus of my work in addition to women’s empowerment issues.

Whether we are disrupted by our own choices, by chance, or by crisis it can be a catalyst for growth and reinvention. But, it is dependent on the lens through which you view the world: do you see yourself as a victim of circumstance, frozen in time, or are you willing to allow circumstances to break you open and plant you like a seed?

I am often referred to as the Queen of Disruption and Reinvention. I seem to have a knack of navigating change, learning from it, and growing from it, as well as teaching and inspiring others by talking about hard things.

CURIOSITY VS FEAR

When asked where my resilience comes from, I really do believe that my curiosity about what I don’t know is way strong than my fear. There is always another way.

This has become the basis of what I share with global audiences. No matter what life throws at you, from a pandemic to divorce, death or disability, to the loss of your health, wealth, or a business, to a merger or acquisition, or a corporate restructure, it is imperative that you give away the old picture of how things were, and embrace the new one, how things are.

If you don’t do this then you will be constantly living in the past giving away your power to choose another way. Reframing disruption is both a choice and a life skill that can help you to rescript and reauthor your life from this point forward.

A COMMA OR A FULL STOP?

When your life has been disrupted, in whatever way, you can either see what has happened to you as a full stop, the end of everything you know, or you can reframe it as a comma, a pause, on your way not in your way.

A psychologist and friend, Merrilee van Niekerk, gifted me with the comma full stop analogy at the wake after my husband’s funeral, when the reality of my situation hit me as everyone started to leave that night. She added that it’s a comma and, dot, dot, dot. “And the dots are the future that you are going to create for yourself.”

The fact that she charged me to take responsibility for my own life in that moment was a powerful gift. It was not something I would fulIy embrace until about six months later when the initial shock started to wear off a bit. I started to regain perspective, discovering that there was collateral beauty in amongst all the collateral damage. It was easier to move forward once I had some perspective.

My journey of rebirth, creating the dots after the comma, has been both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. New people, new places and experiences are like mirrors reflecting myself back at me, helping me to rediscover who I am.

GRIEF AND GROWTH

There can be profound self-discovery and growth in disruptive moments. Even when you choose a new job or a new relationship by choice, for all the right reasons, it is disruptive and you go through cycles of grief and loss. Change by chance or crisis is, of course, even more traumatic and disruptive.

Gradually you pick up your scattered, shattered pieces and your energy and focus returns, a little bit at a time, although you are changed forever by what you have been through.

My husband’s killers have never been apprehended and I have chosen not to pursue resolution through private channels. I chose, instead to live and heal and to share what I have learnt to help others to thrive.

My sons are flourishing, and I have finally bought a home of my own, having rented and shared for the past five years. I was ambivalent about staying in the country, but now I’ve decided: this is home.

My business is thriving. I am helping leaders navigate disruption by speaking human to shift their bottom line. If you want to retain top talent in your organisation and get greater contribution and commitment from your team, you have to help them to dance with disruption by choice, and then move forward with confidence and curiosity.

TAKE THE LEAD IN YOUR OWN LIFE

There have been powerful lessons around women’s empowerment that I have learned along the way. Helping women step into the spotlight and take the leading role in their own lives is incredibly rewarding.

Healing and recovery is an unpredictable journey, but the biggest lesson in all of this is that even when our control is taken away, we always have control over how we choose to respond. Are you going to choose a comma or a full stop?

My wish for you is this…
May your curiosity always be way stronger than your fear.

Fundamental mindset shifts women need to make include:

• Stop questioning whether you are worthy of the job, the relationship, etc, and rather ask if it is worthy of your time, attention and energy.
• Women are often looking for external validation and permission when the only permission they need is their own.
• Stop being so apologetic. Check how you write your emails and answer calls, especially when you are pitching for business and quoting. You don’t have to justify your price.
• Don’t be so negotiable. If you expect to be asked for a discount, you will be. Men don’t play this game.
• Don’t leave money on the table. In C-suite remuneration package discussions, don’t take the first offer. There is always more. Men know this.
• Make sure you have a financial plan of your own. Financial freedom gives you choice freedom.
• Buy the share not the handbag. Always be investing in you by growing your investment portfolio. Use the discipline of the monthly debit order, not what’s left over at the end of the month. Pay your future self, no-one else will.
  

So, to the women reading this article, whose permission are you waiting for? What are the dots made up of in your life?

Nikki Bush is a Human Potential Expert, multi-award winning speaker and five times best-selling author. She is often referred to by her clients as a Talent Whisperer and they talk about the ‘Nikki Effect’. In the media she is hailed as a national treasure and a nation builder. As a respected and sought-after thought leader, she has fielded over 4 500 media interviews.

Her latest book, Future-proof Yourself: how to win at work and life is all about dancing with disruption. It is a must-read whatever you are going through. To book Nikki to speak for your organisation, purchase her books or her must-have What If FileTM Checklist for getting your affairs in order visit www.nikkibush.com. Use promo code: Beyond for a R50 discount on the What If FileTM Checklist.