Born Ann Modubu, I was an only child to my parents. We lived in a small village called Bapong in North West Province and when I was nine years old, I moved to Johannesburg to live with my mother.
She married Johannes Mayisela a few years later and he was an amazing husband to her, and a father to me. I attended primary school at New Life church Christian School in Bryanston, thereafter moving to Fourways High School, which was an exciting idea initially as it was a multiracial Model C school, but to date the bad memories still crop up. I started high school in the year they started admitting black kids into the white schools and I was one of the unlucky few that experienced racism first hand. As exciting as it was to be a student there, it was also traumatic at times.
In 1995 my mother sadly passed away and I was left with my stepfather. I then asked to move schools as I wanted to take the load off my shoulders, so I was moved to Bryanston High school. Those were the most difficult times of my life, especially having to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have a mother anymore. I loved every minute spent at Bryanston High School and I carry many fond memories of my student days at the school as I received love and support from everyone there until I left. A year later I moved in with my mom’s sister, Sheila Modbus. My aunt raised me until I started my first job and I will forever be grateful to her for stepping in and becoming the mother I needed and more.
On Valentine’s Day 1999, while accompanying my high school friend to meet her boyfriend at the time, I met my late husband. That was my lucky day! It was a Sunday and we went to meet him straight after church. Robbie was there alone and said “Hey” and I was like “Hey” (giggling). I was 19, turning 20 in April the same year. We dated for a few months, then moved in together. That was another step I took by myself and had to keep reminding myself of the promises I made to my mother – no kids out of wedlock.
Two years later I fell pregnant and, as excited as we both were, I always felt guilty about the promise I made to my mother. On 31 May 2001 I gave birth to the most beautiful soul I have ever met – my son Robby Jnr. The first time I saw my husband so excited and overly emotional was when he first held Robby Jnr. in his hands. He continued to brag that he was the first one to hold Robby Jnr., even before he was laid on my chest.
Later that year Robbie decided to send his uncles to my family for lobola negotiations. I knew on that day that my mother would be the most beautiful angel and ancestor in our marriage. We got married traditionally but waited years before we enjoyed the western celebration. The reasons for the long wait was the fact that we were still young, he was travelling a lot, I was working full time, we both felt overwhelmed at times and the idea of involving the Department of Home Affairs felt like we were unprepared, so we just enjoyed our lives as new parents. Robbie was a blessing in my life. He was not only a great husband to me but an amazing and a present father to the very end. I still feel they don’t make them like him anymore!
On 24 November 2012 we celebrated our white wedding at Glenburn lodge in Muldersdrift. That was the most beautiful and meaningful day for us because we allowed ourselves to first grow together, get to know each other, understand each other’s backgrounds and work on ourselves in areas that needed fixing, before we took that step. Marriage is not as rosy as the wedding day portrays it. I always tell young girls who are not yet married that there is a difference between your beautiful fairytale wedding day and marriage. Unfortunately for us, we were not prepared but we learned as we went along, just like we did with parenthood. Nobody prepared us for both. They are made to look like some fantasy and easy tasks but are far from it.
Marriage is a commitment you first make to yourself to turn your house into a home. It is also a commitment that you will always be by your husband’s side and to love him with his flaws, to nurture the family and be a good mother.
All that didn’t include ME TIME anywhere. Again, nobody prepared us that ‘me time’ might not exist in your life until you have faced all types of marriage challenges and learn how to navigate through them all by yourself. Marriage is full of sacrifices, endless apologies, patience (that you may not always have), forgiveness (over and over) but overall marriage is beautiful if you are both working towards the same goal, if you are an unbreakable pair and have each other’s back through it all. I married a good man. When I say a good man, I don’t mean a saint or angel without flaws. No, I married someone who loved me, who would do just about anything to see me happy, comfortable and RESPECTED.
Robbie played a huge role in the woman I have become throughout the years. He patiently shaped me. I was not the perfect angel in our marriage; I was young and scarred but he knew how to activate my femininity and allowed me to be vulnerable. I was ten years younger than Robbie, but we were best friends. He was the first person I called for the new gossip in town, and I was the first person he called. We always reminded ourselves that the marriage certificate had no meaning if we were not going to be happy and supportive to each other’s careers, etc. I was Robbie’s most brutal and honest critic. At times he would sulk for days if I told him that his studio work sounded likes laziness and lacked creativity and effort, but he always went back and fixed all the holes. That’s the kind of marriage we had; it was not a constitution but a home.
My first job was as a receptionist at an Advertising Agency called Off the Wall in Illovo. It was the most interesting and exciting phase in my life, to see all the promises I made to my mother before she died. I promised her I would work hard like her and someday start a family like she did. I later left the company and joined African Bank where I worked as receptionist and then moved to the IT Department. That’s where my IT career started. I worked at the remote support desk and loved everything about the IT department because I felt it spoke to who I really was at the time. I could be in Jeans, t-shirts and makeup-free, and that department allowed me to be.
When Robby Jnr. started grade one, I was working for Hewlett Packard. It was a challenge at the time because Robbie was traveling a lot. He then decided that our child needed one of the parents fully present and he asked me to quit my job to look after the home and our son. That was the last year I was employed…Two years later I felt ‘housewife life’ was not for me. I didn’t like sitting idle and doing nothing. I then started a promotions company called Braque Queen. I used to recruit and place promoters. The business kept me busy, but I still had time to be a mom and wife. Under Braque Queen I also offered marketing and research services. With this I also attempted starting a transcribing business, but the workload got in the way and I had to focus solely on the promotions side for some time.
I always felt like I needed to do something that could touch people’s lives and bring healing, but I had no idea how to do this.
In 2013 I came across a picture of boxed roses on Instagram and it attracted my attention. I did my research and learnt how to arrange flowers online. It became my passion because I love flowers, specifically roses. After I did enough research, in 2014 I launched the first ever luxury florist offering boxed roses and deliveries in South Africa. The support my husband gave me made me learn more about the business. This was extremely well received, which then saw me venturing into the corporate space. We arranged office flowers on a weekly basis and did weekly deliveries for homes. Little did I know that arranging flowers is therapeutic and healing for me and for the people receiving flowers.
I will forever be grateful to Robbie for being the most present father to our son and for displaying acts of love towards me in his presence. Our son’s childhood was what I had promised my mother before she passed on.
We agreed that we were going to have only one child but lied to ourselves for a whole twelve years! When Robby was almost done at primary school, the reality of him growing up and having his own life kicked in. That’s when we decided to try for another child. We initially struggled to conceive and when I was just about to give up, we visited our family homeopath who put me on Chinese herbal treatment for just three months before I fell pregnant. We were over the moon but kept the news of the pregnancy to ourselves as we always kept our marriage away from the media. I miscarried fifteen weeks into the pregnancy which was another pain that triggered the loss of my mother. I was broken and went into depression. I went back to my homeopath for more treatments and three months later I fell pregnant again. This time around I operated on panic mode with every slight pain and ache. We kept the pregnancy to ourselves throughout. On 9 June 2015 I had my second cesarean section and gave birth to most beautiful little being we named her Zanokuhle Njabulo Malinga. Both Robbie and Jnr. were excited to meet the little princess. She was so spoilt by both her daddy and brother.
I always felt like I needed to do something that could touch people’s lives and bring healing.
Unfortunately, Robbie only had two and half years with our princess before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April 2017 and then succumbed to the disease on Christmas day the same year. Talk about a year we had, phew! It was hospital visits every second day and different doctors’ visits, while he was slowly fading away. Robbie fought the disease like a true soldier; he still worked and even did performances while on oral chemotherapy. He didn’t want people feeling sorry for him as he was not the ‘pity party’ type. Besides him being a public figure and fighting the cruel disease, he also had to deal with the bullying, body shaming and abuse through social media daily.
The year was a painful and eventful year for us. Our son was still in grade ten and our daughter was still a baby who needed my attention, but I was unable to give them the attention. I struggled to multitask as my focus was on saving my husband and their father’s life. Unfortunately, he passed away peacefully in my hands, with both our families around us, on Christmas Day 2017.
That day I felt the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my entire being. I held my lifeless husband in my hands and talked to him like he was listening, hoping he would give me his famous signature smile, but he didn’t. The worst words that nobody would ever be prepared for is ”I’m so sorry, we lost him!” I felt something leaving my body; I was cold inside for some time and it felt like I was in bad dream.
After Robbie’s passing, I rejected interviews. I did one interview with a publication because they agreed to my terms. I felt somehow media was insensitive and wanted to make quick money with my pain. I felt insulted more than anything. I felt no one cared how I was handling the death. It seemed that they wanted me to just be vulnerable in public therefore I never shared my story before. As someone who grew up being very close to my mother, I never worried about making friends. I had a few friends, but I was mommy’s girl and was always next to mom. I carried that loner life into my adult life. To date I don’t do friends, parties, clubs and crowded places. I have always been like that and I feel that character shaped me into the mother I am to my kids. I am grateful to my mother for how she raised me with the little she had, provided for me, protected me and most importantly loved me like she knew she was going to leave me early. I’m also spiritual and never really talk about this side of my life. I work with energies. If my spirit clashes with someone’s, I remove myself from the environment. So that gift saved me from a lot of chaos.
Now I have a handful of good friends in my life who understand the type of a person I am. I am not social at all. A good book at home in my pj’s all day, cooking for my kids and spending time with my kids is the most important time of the day. I love hearing their life stories, complaints, worries, discomforts etc. I never missed any stage in my children’s lives and pray daily that I don’t fail my daughter.
Change in society is needed, specifically in South Africa. Society can be evil to say the least! A month after my husband’s burial, my son, who was sixteen years old at the time, was exposed to the brutal reality of the society we live in. Vulnerable and confused as he just lost his father, he was dragged for a year for splashing money, called awful names and some went as far as provoking me through insults thrown at him. The most ignorant thing society have ever done! No one cared about his well-being, instead they had to break him more. I had to be the strongest mother to him, protect him, talk him out of the noise daily, remind him of everything his dad used to share with us about society. Today I’m glad that he experienced the cruel treatment at a young age. As painful as it was to watch, he now knows how to have a thick skin. He has learnt to shut out the noise, choose solitude, and know his place in people’s lives because some so-called ‘close friends’ were hiding behind fake accounts on social media.
Widowhood in South Africa is painful, and I know I’m not the only one who has been through certain ill-treatments from society. A widow, from my perspective, is treated like a community project where everyone has an opinion on how you should live your life, how you should behave, how you cannot be seen smiling. I was once told I look extremely happy for someone who had just recently lost a husband. People, including family, start distancing themselves from me. It’s painful because I felt like a curse where nobody wanted to associate with me. Some of my husband’s friends and associates made sexual advances towards me. This was the most confusing time for me because these are the people you used treat as his brothers but now they expect sex in exchange for business. You go through red tape too. If you do not sleep with certain men, you won’t work in their organization or with their associates. It’s awful because if a widow does not have other means to provide for her children, she goes through sexual abuse in the hands of men she should trust to protect her. The sexual abuse in widows is something that is never spoken of. These perpetrators try their advances when you are most vulnerable. It’s a fight that never ends. You need to become a woman they have never met before. They will call you names but those names mean RESPECT. Never take them badly, be unapologetic and have strong boundaries. I decided after Robbie’s passing that I am his widow and I know what he wanted his sendoff to be like, and how he would have liked me to carry myself going forward without him. Those are conversations we shared as we cried at his hospital bed, so I could never allow anyone dictate to me what would be best for Robbie. I knew ‘Robbie my husband’ and the rest of the world knew ‘Robbie Malinga the music artist’, so there was no way I would invite anyone into my own home to tell me how to live my life. This is the sixth year since Robbie’s passing and I have no doubt his soul is resting in peace, knowing I genuinely loved him until his last breath.
Now I am on a journey to rediscover myself. I started late because according to our family psychologist, I have skipped the mourning phase and jumped straight into being strong, which catches up with me now and again. My skipping the mourning stage was caused by the abuse I experienced from Robbie’s industry since a week after his burial. I am still at it with threats here and there, but I refuse to back down. There has been a lot of discrepancy with my husband’s estate, some involving his so called friends and trusted associates that six years later I am still dealing with and it can be emotionally and mentally draining some days.
I am rediscovering who Ann is and exploring her likes and dislikes before she became a mother and wife. I’m finding myself loving meditation which nurtures my new journey. I am more vocal, have strong boundaries and I stand my ground.
After Robbie’s passing, I started a company called Robbie Malinga entertainment to keep his legacy alive. So far, I have written and released his biography titled Robbie Malinga the Legend 1968-2017 which did well, for a first-time author. The book is a coffee table design with memories collected from some of his childhood friends and associates. We then hosted the first annual Robbie Malinga Golf day in his honor in 2022 and the intimate music concert called Soul sessions. My son and I have a lot of exciting new unique plans to keep his legacy alive. In 2022 I started working on a personal journal with motivational quotes based on my experience, which will be released soon. I also started a concierge business called Braque Luxury Concierge Services which is currently an inbound service company which I find exciting as it keeps me on my toes to be creative and come up with unique services. I have also partnered with a well-known German Journalist and Documentarian on my new upcoming book and a few other projects that I don’t want to discuss prematurely.
I would also like to plead to men to work with us, their partners, by taking care of their health. I was married to a man who did not like visits to the doctor and I had to learn the hardest way the importance of regular health screening. Although Robbie always seemed healthy and happy, never hospitalized since I have known him, the minor signs were there. Often, he suffered with lower back pains that he would just brush off. When we found out about the cancer, it was late as he was already on stage six. I really encourage men to take care of themselves. Their mental health is also more important than ever before. Men should be allowed room to be vulnerable and heard at this time.
Relationship-wise, I am ready to move on with my life. I have given myself enough time to heal and work on myself, so I am receptive to love again. I am still single because I know love, respect, provision, leadership and friendship in marriage, so I cannot and do not settle for the sake of being in a relationship. Also going on dates are tiring at my age. All that energy of meet-ups etc. gets to me at times and I guess it’s because I am comfortable in my own space. I feel like the dating pool needs a little cleaning or cleansing so for now I will focus on building and growing my businesses.
My message to women is based on a painfully lifechanging experience that one would never be prepared for even if your partner was sick. You have yourself to get yourself out of the dark pit. Unfortunately, nobody is going to get you out, as painful as it sounds. After the loss of a husband, you realise that people move on with their lives, but you and your kids are the only ones deep in mourning. It hurts at the time; you feel like people don’t care, but later realize it is your pain not everybody’s pain. Women are born strong, its in our DNA but none deserves that pain especially watching your children break in front of you and you feel helpless. You should surround yourself with people who are helpful and patient.
Healing is painful, but it’s a pain you must go through to become a stronger and bolder version of yourself. I was surrounded by a few amazing friends who supported me until I was back on my feet. I would also advise that you don’t expect much from people. All the promises made with speeches at the funeral or memorial don’t always materialize. You will find yourself alone with life’s challenges that you know only you can resolve even without a plan
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