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Letters From an Expat Wife

You know how some people are made to travel the world? To live in the most exotic places, meeting the most eccentric people? Who pick up new hobby every two years and reinvent themselves? Who send postcards from everywhere to friends who always shout: “Oh man, she is really living the dream!”

I’m not one of those people. At all. To begin with, I hate change. I can, without any problems, order the same sandwich for lunch for a month. Listen to the same song over and over, watch the same movie a hundred times and still laugh at the jokes. I don’t get bored easily and love predictability and familiarity.

To add to these wonderful traits, I also loved my house, my family and friends and absolutely adored my carrier. So, when one day my husband came home with the prospect of moving abroad I was a little less than delighted. Above anything else I was scared. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be without my job. “What do you do?” was maybe not the very first question I asked someone when I met them but for sure it was within the top five.

After some doubts I decided that adventure is a good thing (isn’t that what they always tell you in fashionable women’s magazines?), maybe it’s time to reinvent myself (although the old version of me was perfectly fine, I thought) and this would give us a great chance to bond as a family and get stronger (at the time I hadn’t read about the divorce rates amongst the expats).

I kept going back and forth to the office until one day before we left and after a spectacular farewell from our friends I found myself on the plane to Greece. The first reality check came when I was supposed to fill in the papers for the customs: Occupation. Hmm… What was I supposed to write? Slowly I wrote: Stay at home mom. Just like that. I stared at the paper and tried to connect with the woman I was supposed to be.

The first few weeks I spent between the boxes with a year-old baby and without a phone (yes, I was indeed robbed within the first three days), internet and a tv, I succeeded to completely miss a global stock market crash which changed the world. I only found out about it during a party when somebody said HSBC might go bankrupt and I laughed. Everybody stared at me. Needless to stay I was glued to the news after that, amazed at how much I had missed trying to create our new home.

My days would be walking to the beach with my baby in the stroller, having coffee at my Italian neighbour’s house and buying groceries. How my meeting, deadline and stress filled days had changed into a yoga commercial. I was breathing in and breathing out and not much else was happening to be honest. For the first time in my life I was getting bored. I was listening to stories I didn’t care for, laughing at jokes I didn’t understand and in the mirror I was seeing a woman I didn’t recognize.  It was her: the stay at home mom. Surely this woman couldn’t be me?

During one of the uneventful coffee mornings by the playground I was sipping my cappuccino fredo and half listening to the other ladies when I heard one of them tell the group how she and her husband were seeing this psychologist who was helping them to get over some sort of a marital problem. Maybe that’s it, I thought. Maybe I should also see her. I had never been in therapy in my life. There was never much need really. I had my work where I could get rid of all of my frustrations.

I made an appointment before I would lose my nerve. Two days later I was walking in her street looking for the psychologist’s office. The numbers were not adding up. There was absolutely no logic and I was getting very frustrated. I kept on passing this jungle like garden surrounding a dump. I was about to give up when a friendly old man asked me what I was looking for. I told him and he pointed to the house right next door. I thanked him and walked to the house while thinking this psychologist couldn’t be much if it was situated next to a dump.

After the initial chitchat she asked me why I was there and I told her that I wanted to love the woman in the mirror again. Or at least give her a chance. She asked me about what scared me the most, why I had the feeling I had given up my life. How come I saw it as a sacrifice I made for others in my life instead of seeing it as a choice others had made to make me happier? Just because I was happy before it didn’t mean I wouldn’t be as happy or maybe happier in a new environment?

Yeah, maybe. It all sounded nice but would it be that easy to see everything differently? It sounded too good to be true. I paid and walked out. Just as I was passing the old man he handed me a beautiful red rose. He pointed to the garden. In the corner of the jungle dump next to the psychologist’s office there was the most exquisite rose garden. How was that possible? The whole place was completely run down. And how was it possible that I hadn’t seen it before? I had walked right passed it. Not once but a couple of times.

So, maybe there was someone in the mirror I wasn’t seeing either. Just because it wasn’t the same old me it didn’t mean it wasn’t someone worth knowing. For sure, change was hard. But not embracing change meant missing on so much more.

Ceren Taygun.

21 Comments

  • Selma Söylemez says:

    A sincere confession that many expat ladies experienced during their change of life.
    Thanks Ceren. You expressed the of millions.

    • Manja says:

      Wow, so well written! What a privilege it was to have been a part of your Greek journey… and understanding all too well how allowing yourself to see all perspectives of the woman in the mirror in her new environment is a challenge but more so an adventure.

  • Juanita says:

    Such a striking insight and nice example about the importance of embracing change. Lovely column, Ceren!

  • Burcu Filiz says:

    İt s been a shout out for many women who struggle with this feeling. Thank you Ceren. Can’t wait to read your next article!

    • Samah Elbanna says:

      Wow great article ! I feel you talk about me , it took me 6 years to understand the new me and now I’m so grateful to be what I am now , I was a general practitioner who are busy to establish her career and studying for her postgraduate master, it wasn’t easy at all to go for the transition , but give me the chanve to know me more and what I want to do really in my life !

  • Marie Paule Sebera M. says:

    Wow Ceren , such besutiful way of describing our expat lives. I laughted..i cried..
    You are truly amazing.
    Congrat❣️

  • Hanim says:

    So brave to write such an empowering blog! I can relate to all you said and it’s time we talk about it openly. Sevgiler

  • Umut Kursunoglu says:

    Being an expat spouse is not an easy thing and l believe not everybody can survive. I feel / love the sincerity and honesty on this article Ceren. We’re not alone.♥️
    ????

  • Astrid says:

    One that I’m sure so many can identify with, well written. Loved reading your column and looking forward to the next one!

  • Olga says:

    What a straightforward description of the feelings of a starting expat. Well written!

  • Elian says:

    How nice to read even you (yes, you!) struggled with change and a different plan in your life. I have known you (in our Egypt life) as a vibrant person for whom nothing is too crazy. Nice read Ceren!

  • Linka Lokker says:

    So nice to read your first column. I got to know you when you just arrived in Greece with your little baby. It was at the first coffe morning that you asked about our daily life activities! Since you are and were such a vibrant personality, it was and is still fantastic to have you as a friend. Till this day I thought you were a very adventurous lady. So funny to read that you are actually the opposite. ?

  • NiLi says:

    Ceren I enjoyed reading your column! Where life takes you and how you make it work for you and your beautiful family.
    Changes in life becomes scary sometimes believe in yourself and you can do wonders. Reading your article I saw me in it after 36 years of teaching going back home made me wonder no job and no kids!
    I survived it was hard to start again with the epidemic. Once again I got kids to teach makes me on top of the world!
    Waiting to read your next column! It was so you the bubbling personality.
    Best wishes to you.

  • ΔΙΟΝΥΣΙΑ says:

    A very nice and good writting article which expresses lots of women. Some day all of us looking in our mirror we realize that we have to explore more and find other paths in our life. Thank you Cerenaki mou! Keep on! You do an excellent job!

  • Claudine Mwangachuchu says:

    Oh wow. Change is inevitable, but I believe one should always find themselves.

  • Ufuk Kobas says:

    Nice writing Ceren. I joy a lot my 20 years expat life. Give me a lot of challenge, a lot of good friends en excitement in my life. I know also many women hate this life and didn’t come with husbands and the end they must broke up.

    • Emily Lim says:

      Encouraging note to all the expat ladies with similar feeling, I do enjoy the coffee mornings and love the cheerful moments we spent a long time ago in Greece!

  • Wanda says:

    And there is the old version of you, too! The woman who won writing competitions as a girl. I so enjoy this gift of yours (I am terrible at it and it has an effect). So “stay calm and carry on writing” to parafrase an old politician ?.

  • Nurdan Z.D. Abdul Majid says:

    So well expressed , wonderfully written, extremely similar to my story..

    Ps: We all adore that woman in the mirror ❤️

  • WoW! I would have never thought even you you were struggling to travel and change location!
    But struggling does not mean always having a smile on your face…as I remember you from Cairo times. Nice article, keep up writing!

  • Clicia says:

    I could identify me with everything that you wrote!
    Your post is a shout out for all of us who tries to bring our old life into the new life instead of simply enjoying the bliss of the new life.
    Thank you for bringing it and talking openly about it! Just loved your post and can’t wait for another one!!!

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