Letters From an Expat Wife

Last month of school before the summer holiday is busy, wherever you are in the world. But this season has a complete different meaning for expats. For most of us, these couple of weeks might mean a period wherein you will for sure border a burnout. The reason for this is that you have your normal responsibilities for school like end-of-year shows, assessment talks with teachers, music recitals etc. But you also have something extra.

The farewells.

Most expats get relocated at the end of a school year. So they all start packing up around this time. And if you are unlucky you will have a huge group of friends leaving at the same time. Not only is this very very sad but it also makes your life crazy busy. Your diary will start telling you, you have a farewell brunch on Monday, farewell drinks on Tuesday, farewell dinner on Wednesday, farewell boat ride on Thursday and four farewell parties in the weekend which you have to try to combine. Somehow. Needless to say you have to participate in many group gifts (or organize them if you’re unlucky) and make scrapbooks for more than ten people. And I’m not mentioning the kids friends who are leaving. Those we have as well, because most of the expats leaving, have kids. It becomes even crazier if you are one of the leaving families. That means you have to organize and/or participate in the parties of the other leavers AND you have to organize your own party. AND pack. AND have all the normal school stuff which goes with the end of year.

It might surprise you but I actually really enjoy this crazy time. You get to spend a lot of time with your closest friends and most importantly you say things to each other which “normal people” actually never tell each other. You tell a friend how much and why you love them and what makes them incredibly special. Funny thing is that most people always assume an expat friendship is very shallow. They assume because you haven’t known each other for ages and because you know you won’t be together for a very long time, it can’t possibly be very profound. I understand this argument but have to disagree. While a normal friendship back home is a dish in a slow cooker, an expat friendship for sure is a dish in a pressure cooker. When you meet a friend in your home
country everything evolves slowly.

So when you meet a person you connect with, you have a drink, dinner, weekend braai date in no time. If all goes well, weekends or full holidays away together will follow.

Conversations with your expat friends will be different as well. You don’t have a history together to fall back on like you would have with your friends back home and the future is very blurry since most expats have absolutely no idea how long they will be living in this country, when they will be leaving, where they will be going next or any of the normal stuff that all non expats know. A non expat will be living in his house where he has been living for years, they will be working at the same company, driving the same car, kids will be going to the same school. Unless there will be a major change but that usually doesn’t happen a lot. In an expat life change is the norm. You never know where you will be living, what your house is going to look like, or what you will be driving early next year. So, when you are having a conversation with someone who understands and is living in this very changeable world, you talk about the present. Your plans, wishes, feelings, insecurities all zoom into this very moment that you are together. You never have to pretend to be someone you are not because if you don’t like the person you are talking to, you can walk away and literally never see them again.

For expat children it’s the same. When they are home they will try to belong and be a part of a culture where they have essentially never truly belonged because most of them have never lived in their home country. Even though they will proudly call out their nationality on international day and dance around in their national colors, they have never lived there. A question like “where are you from” could really confuse an expat child. As my daughter once answered when someone asked her where she was from: “That’s a very difficult question. Do you mean where my parents were born? Or where I was born? Or where I have lived the longest? Where I live now?” Another expat child will understand this. No explanation is needed. They were all born in one place and raised by the world. They have been traveling their whole life. They have been in schools where there are more than 50 different nationalities.

I think this is the reason why expats never say goodbye. We say farewell. We always assume we might find each other back in the waves of the ocean where we are all sailing through. And if we don’t, we will always know we have shared some memories that will never be erased. And we are ready to tell each other that. We want people to know how special they are and how they have touched us. How we had forever in a very short period and now might never meet again. That’s why I really love these crazy last weeks of school. Although it may seem very shallow to run from party to party wishing people farewell, it actually is the opposite because you are opening your heart. And receiving it back with a smile and a tear.