Letters From An Expat Wife

The most interesting, although the most challenging part of being an expat is surely the international environment.

It’s not easy to move to a place with all of it’s own set of cultural rules you have to adapt to. The country you are moving to can be very similar to your own. The people might look the same way you do, behave the same way you do, dress or eat like you do. But then again, they might not. Everything can be quite the opposite of what you are used to. Or some things might be the opposite and some others might be similar. It’s a whole jigsaw puzzle that you have to figure out before you start a fight without meaning to or feel very misunderstood and alone while the people around you actually liked you very much but didn’t mean to invade your space. This will take time but in the end you will make it work.

This is not the challenging part of the international environment I’m talking about. This is just the basics. The challenge comes in when you meet the other expats. Normally in the school where your kids go to, you will meet parents who will be from sixty to eighty different nationalities. You will meet all these people at the gym, the supermarket, coffee mornings, your paid or unpaid jobs, parties, weekend getaways… There is no way around it. You have to get used to this and find a way of living within the cultural differences.

When I used to live in Greece I once called a lady who was trying to rent out her house. I was at this meeting and talked to someone who was interested in the apartment. Of course I couldn’t wait to tell her, so I grabbed the phone. She picked up after the phone rang maybe six times and didn’t sound happy at all. She asked me why I was calling and if someone had died. Because surely that was the only reason to disturb her like this. I didn’t get it. Later I learned you never, no never, disturb a Greek during their afternoon nap. Unless someone is dead of course.

I moved to Holland when I was 11. One day I was playing at a friend’s house. Her mom came in the room and asked us if we wanted a snack. She decided to give us biscuits. She went out and brought a tin box. She opened it and took out two small biscuits for each child. She miscounted for a second and took back the third biscuit quickly and closed the box. A couple of hours later she came back to the room and told me the family would be having dinner now but I was welcome to wait in this room until my mom came to pick me up. She took my friend and they left to the room next door to have their dinner.

The experience was quite the opposite when I was in the house of an Egyptian friend years later. Even though they had not counted on me for dinner they kept on piling food on my plate while it was obvious they would be having almost nothing because everything would be finished.

The funny thing about culture is that we all think that what we do is normal, and the others are the strange ones.

We laugh at their ways of walking, talking or eating. What we don’t realize is that they are looking at us and don’t understand our behaviour either. They think we are impolite while we are being very honest and we think they are being inefficient because they waste too much time being overly friendly. Or vice versa.

During another posting I got invited to the house of a Korean lady. She didn’t speak any English and when I got there I realized it was a luncheon with other Korean ladies. Everybody looked beautiful and so did the table with different delicacies.

The problem was none of the ladies spoke any English. They fell over themselves to serve me and make sure I had a good time. Luckily after a while they started chatting amongst themeselves so I could stop smiling and nodding like an idiot. After the lunch they turned on the tv and started watching some Korean soap opera. I have to admit it was very impressive and I’m almost sure Quentin Tarantino also watches Korean soaps, because some scenes seemed very familiar.

Two weeks later the lady invited me to the luncheon again. I didn’t quite understand it because I completely missed my added value to her function.

But I thought it was rude to say no, so I went. Same set of food, smiles and nodding followed and after that we watched the soap. The lady invited me to many luncheons after that and every time while they started chatting amongst themselves I wondered why I was there. Even though, the fighting in the soaps had grown on me and I was quite enjoying it without understanding a word.

When it was my time to leave the country I invited the lady to my farewell. We were standing opposite of each other and nodding and smiling as usual when she gave me a gorgeous piece of cloth. She had embroidered something on it. Her husband translated to me what it said: “Your presence made a difference”.

During an expatriation we meet all kinds of people. All born in different places, all raised differently with different sets of religious, political or moral beliefs and rules. We all speak different language, even have different hand gestures. But below the surface, we are all not that different. We all want to belong, be loved, be respected and make a difference. Leave a legacy of some sorts.

When it’s time to leave, whether the country or this life time, we just want someone to say we meant something to them, we mattered.

Our presence made a difference.