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Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Every day in South Africa, seven women die at the hands of their intimate partners.

Help at your fingertips® is a USSD mobile phone portal providing access to free information via any cell phone 24/7 by dialling 1347355#. This tracks the location of the caller and sends back details of the nearest care facility, providing immediate support to victims of rape and sexual violence.

“Leaving a relationship should not carry a death sentence.”

IT’S A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT TO FEEL SAFE

No one should feel unsafe. If you are in an unsafe, violent relationship, you might be thinking of leaving. You do not have to leave today or do it all at once. But a safety plan can help you know what to do when you are ready to leave. Having a plan in place can help you get out safely later if you do decide to leave. The most important thing to do, is to speak to someone (who is not part of your home/family) about your situation. As you educate yourself on your rights and think about the next steps to take, you need to ensure that at least one other adult knows about what is happening to you.

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive and controlling behaviours that a person uses against an intimate or former partner. It might include:

  • Physical abuse: Shoving, hitting, kicking, burning, choking, restraining and using weapons or other objects to cause injury.
  • Sexual violence: Forcing or coercing unwanted sexual acts, refusing to practice safe sex and treating a partner like a sex object.
  • Emotional abuse/intimidation: Name-calling/ put-downs, denying/shifting blame, treating a partner as an inferior, threatening to harm others/self or to reveal information that might be harmful, and using threatening looks, actions or gestures.
  • Property/economic abuse:Destroying/stealing property, denying money for basic needs such as food or medical care, and interfering with a partner’s work or education
  • Stalking: Monitoring activities, phone calls or emails, following a partner, or impersonating or questioning others about a partner. This may be done without the victim’s knowledge

If You Are Preparing To Leave Or Are Still With Your Abuser

  • Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
  • Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.
  • Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
  • Teach your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.
  • Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
  • Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fuelled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked – for a quick escape.
  • Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
  • Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive, understanding ear.

Preparing To Leave Your Abuser

  • Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as photographs.
  • Know where you can go to get help and tell someone what is happening to you.
  • If you are injured, go to the doctor or an emergency room and report what has happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
  • Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
  • Plan with your children and identify a safeplace for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
  • Contact RDAP to find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
  • Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible.
  • Acquire job skills or take online courses if you can.
  • Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.

If you need to sneak away, be prepared:

  • Plan for how and where you will escape. Don’t be afraid to request a police officer stand-by or escort while you leave.
  • Plan for a quick escape.
  • Put aside as much emergency money as you can.
  • Hide an extra set of car keys
  • Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbour’s house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbours, close family members and mutual friends.

Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. with you, as well as other important items, including:

  • Driver’s licence.
  • Frequently used medication.
  • Credit cards or a list of credit cards you hold yourself or jointly.
  • Bank accounts and other assets.

Safety Planning: Staying Safe Before And After Leaving Your Abuser

Safety planning is a crucial step for someone involved in an abusive relationship. These practical plans can help you stay safe while you are still with your abuser, as you prepare to leave, and after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary concern.

  • Trust your instincts if you think you are in immediate danger, as you probably are. Get to a safe place as soon as you can.
  • Use the internet and other technologies cautiously. Use computers, telephones, and email accounts your partner does not have access to. You can get more information about this by talking to a local domestic advocate.
  • Memorise emergency numbers for the local police, support persons, and crises hotlines (see back of brochure)
  • Identify escape routes and places to go if you need to flee from an unsafe situation quickly.
  • Put together an emergency bag with money/ credit cards/debit cards, extra keys, medicine, and important papers such as birth certificates, social security cards, immigration documents, and medical cards. Keep it somewhere safe and accessible, such as with a trusted friend.
  • If you decide to leave your partner, it may be an especially dangerous time. Consider speaking to a trained domestic violence counsellor to create a detailed safety plan.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Caring For You And Your Children

Leaving an abusive relationship is a positive choice for you and your children. The process, however, can still be difficult. It can also be difficult to make the transition alone. It is helpful to have the support of people who are experienced in helping women in abusive relationships. Your personal safety and your legal rights become more difficult to ensure when an abusive partner is involved. Violence against women agencies, shelters, 24-hour Abused Women’s Helpline, police, or police family consultants can help you meet the need for yourself and your children.

“Leaving is often dangerous, and you need to create a safety plan to ensure your safe exit from the situation.”

Realising It Is Not Your Fault

This is important! When you are in an abusive relationship, you might find you blame yourself for it, because your partner manipulates you into believing it is your fault. Abuse is never your fault. There is nothing you could do or say that would make it okay for someone to hurt you in any way. It is not your responsibility to ‘fix’ them. If they are hurting you and breaking you down, then you are making the right choice by deciding to leave. Feeling guilty about the abuse can also make you feel shameful about opening up to others about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Many find themselves in abusive relationships. The problem is that many women are also ashamed of opening up about the abuse and this means more abusers get away with it. You did not choose to be in a relationship with an abuser, you chose to be in a relationship with someone you thought you could trust but who turned out to be an abuser. It is not your fault.

Making Notes Of Everything

Write down everything you can about the abusive episodes in secret, i.e. when your abuser is not around. Take screenshots of any abusive messages they send to you. If you are being physically abused, take pictures of the marks on your body, and go and see a healthcare practitioner. The evidence can help you when you need to file a report with the police or get a court order. Even if you have not written anything down before, you do not have to wait for your partner to abuse you again before you start. Write down what you remember from previous abusive episodes. You might already have messages as proof, so keep those too. Just remember to keep those notes and images out of your partner’s sight. If you are afraid of your partner going through your stuff or your phone, send the messages, pictures, and notes to someone you trust.

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