How to leave an abusive relationship safely

1: It’s a basic human right to feel safe

No one should feel unsafe. If you are in an unsafe, violent relationship, you might be thinking of leaving. You do not have to leave today or do it all at once. But a safety plan can help you know what to do when you are ready to leave. Having a plan in place can help you get out safely later if you do decide to leave. The most important thing to do, is to speak to someone (who is not part of your home/family) about your situation. As you educate yourself on your rights and think about the next steps to take, you need to ensure that at least one other adult knows about what is happening to you. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive and controlling behaviours that a person uses against an intimate or former partner. It might include:

• Physical abuse: Shoving, hitting, kicking, burning, choking, restraining and
  using weapons or other objects to cause injury.
• Sexual violence: Forcing or coercing unwanted sexual acts, refusing to practice safe sex and treating a partner like a sex object.
• Emotional abuse/intimidation: Name-calling/put-downs, denying/shifting blame, treating a partner as an inferior, threatening to harm others/self or to reveal information that might be harmful, and using threatening looks, actions or gestures.
• Property/economic abuse: Destroying/stealing property, denying money for basic needs such as food or medical care, and interfering with a partner’s work or education.
• Stalking: Monitoring activities, phone calls or emails, following a partner, or impersonating or questioning others about a partner. This may be done without the victim’s knowledge.

2: If you are preparing to leave or are still with your abuser

• Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
• Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.
• Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
• Teach your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.
• Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
• Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fuelled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked – for a quick escape
• Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
• Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive, understanding ear.

3. Preparing to leave your abuser

• Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as photographs.
• Know where you can go to get help and tell someone what is happening to you.
• If you are injured, go to the doctor or an emergency room and report what has happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
• Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help.
• Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
• Contact RDAP to find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
• Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible.
• Acquire job skills or take online courses if you can.
• Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.

4. Safety planning: Staying safe before and after leaving your abuser

• Safety planning is a crucial step for someone involved in an abusive relationship.
• These practical plans can help you stay safe while you are still with your abuser, as you prepare to leave, and after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary concern.
• Trust your instincts if you think you are in immediate danger, as you probably are. Get to a safe place as soon as you can.
• Use the internet and other technologies cautiously. Use computers, telephones, and email accounts your partner does not have access to. You can get more information about this by talking to a local domestic advocate.
• Memorise emergency numbers for the local police, support persons, and crises hotlines (see back of brochure).
• Identify escape routes and places to go if you need to flee from an unsafe situation quickly.
• Put together an emergency bag with money/credit cards/ debit cards, extra keys, medicine, and important papers such as birth certificates, social security cards, immigration documents, and medical cards. Keep it somewhere safe and accessible, such as with a trusted friend.
• If you decide to leave your partner, it may be an especially dangerous time.
• Consider speaking to a trained domestic violence counsellor to create a detailed safety plan.

5. Leaving an abusive relationship: Caring for you and your children

Leaving an abusive relationship is a positive choice for you and your children. The process, however, can still be difficult. It can also be difficult to make the transition alone. It is helpful to have the support of people who are experienced in helping women in abusive relationships. Your personal safety and your legal rights become more difficult to ensure when an abusive partner is involved. Violence against women agencies, shelters, 24-hour Abused Women’s Helpline, police, or police family consultants can help you meet the need for yourself and your children.

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