Every Crisis is a gift

Nine years ago, depression tried to suffocate me and take me out. I was trapped in a life that bared no resemblance to my desires. A succession of traumatic life events shaped the way I viewed myself and the world.

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At the age of 18, I was raped. I dropped out of university, got married to my first boyfriend, fell pregnant immediately and got a divorce three months later. I had to take any job to survive, so I became a secretary earning R800 a month. When my daughter was five, I got remarried, had three miscarriages before my miracle son was born, got divorced again and went on to have the experience of intimate partner violence, twice. Financially, I was in a permanent state of struggle. I had no career to speak of and felt like an absolute failure. This was a lot for one human to endure

On 3 June 2014, I decided to end my life. Needless to say, I survived. Not everyone is that lucky. Almost dying was a wake-up call. I had the opportunity to relook at every aspect of my life and do some real introspection. I chose to take the route of transformation, and got a radical awakening

I had to liberate myself from the burdens of social roles that were imposed on me. I had to learn that I am not just a mother, or daughter, or wife. I am a woman first. Social reformation had to begin with me, so I could take up the full space that the Universe intended for me. I had to own and tell my truth, as a way to take back my power, and give other women permission to do the same. I became unapologetic about my life experiences, realising in hindsight, that they’ve all served a very big purpose.

After my failed suicide attempt, I dove head-first towards fulfilling my every dream. I studied journalism at 31 with two kids, and pursued my passion for writing. I went from business writer to editor in six years. Five years ago, I took my truth-telling even further and wrote my autobiography, Girl on Fire, to honour my life, and give dignity to my experiences.

When my book was published, I was interviewed on TV and radio multiple times, won two awards, and became an international speaker.

My story had to count for something – and it has. It’s become a testament to the tenacity of the human spirit to thrive.

This is what my life experiences have taught me. Everything negative that happens to us, is preparing us for what’s to come. If we have to change the narrative around trauma, we can learn to empower ourselves. Every crisis is a gift, a reckoning of sorts, giving us an opportunity to learn something and become better. We don’t often see this gift when we’re in the eye of the storm. But hindsight is a wonderful teacher.

For too many women, shame holds us captive and keeps us caged. Secrecy and silence fuels shame. But a breakthrough happens the moment you make a new choice. So I did. I decided to speak my truth out loud to the entire world and come out from under the spotlight of shame. This allowed me to break out, into my fullest life. I have learned that the fire in me does not fit any blueprint. I cannot fit into someone else’s structure. This internal liberation is an endless journey, it begins with radical self-love and a process of ‘unbecoming’ – undoing the indoctrination I was raised with, and stepping into the truth of who I am. I am finally in the space I belong.

What I want every woman to know is, your life, and your story matters. Everything is a stepping stone to your bigger purpose. You are not bound to anything – not your job, not your partner, not even your family, if you are betraying yourself in some way. People and systems rely on our silence to keep us exactly where we are. But women speaking their truth starts a revolution. So, tell your truth and claim your space. Show up in your essence and live in possibility. There are other women watching you, who would be liberated by your truth.

This solution works. I am the proof.

-Tivania Moodley